When life throws your dreams into a garbage disposal....

I have been rather blessed in my life. For the most part, I have achieved many of the goals and dreams I had set for myself. Of course, I had the help of many people, my parents, my sister, teachers, friends and the prayers and well wishes of all those who love and care for me. I started to take for granted that whatever I dream or envision for myself would inevitably be realized. I had very clear definitions in my mind of how I defined success. And as long as I continued on my carefully designed path, working damn hard all along the way, I didn't foresee any of that changing.

Well the universe had other ideas for me. Perhaps there were lessons I needed to learn in my life. Perhaps I was getting too cocky. Whatever the reason, over the past five years, many assumptions I had made about my life, my purpose, my dreams and myself were turned on its head, then inside out and flipped again. For someone who has always been sure of their direction, I suddenly found my path obscured and hazy. A very unnerving feeling for someone who is driven and determined.

I have had to re-examine my hopes and dreams and question what is really important to me. I've tried new things, push new limits, modified old goals and created new dreams. I've been forcibly humbled. I've had to learn to accept disappointment and try to find the lessons in them. But for anybody whose life has taken an unexpected, less desirable turn, you know that is not always an easy task.

I recently was watching on YouTube, some of the commencement speeches that were given at various universities around the country by various celebrities. Stephen Colbert gave a great one at Northwestern University - funny and poignant. However, it was comedian Conan O'Brien's very honest and personal description of his own struggles and recent lessons learned in his 2011 commencement speech at Dartmouth University that resonated so strongly with me. I think that there are many people who have had their dreams dashed, who can also relate and benefit from what he said so I'm quoting that portion of the speech in the transcript below.

Conan O'Brian's Commencement Address to Dartmouth College Graduates

"...Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduating class at Harvard. I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to say. But then 2010 came. And now I'm here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I'd like to share it with you. In 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraid to fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning."

Now, by definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered successful. But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment. I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years. I went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid. It was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible analogy.

But then something spectacular happened. Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things. I grew a strange, cinnamon beard. I dove into the world of social media. I started tweeting my comedy. I threw together a national tour. I played the guitar. I did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leather suit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family. Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing reruns, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman. I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what: with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—had more conviction about what I was doing.

How could this be true? Well, it's simple: There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. I went to college with many people who prided themselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going. At Harvard, five different guys in my class told me that they would one day be President of the United States. Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs. The other one briefly hosted Blues Clues, before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out. Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.

Way back in the 1940s there was a very, very funny man named Jack Benny. He was a giant star, easily one of the greatest comedians of his generation. And a much younger man named Johnny Carson wanted very much to be Jack Benny. In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn't. He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirks and mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction. And yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation. David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson, and was not, and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman. And none of us are. My peers and I have all missed that mark in a thousand different ways. But the point is this: It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.

So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed. For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you. In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.

Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it. And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than "follow your dream." Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that's okay. Four years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become. And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined....

I have told you many things today, most of it foolish but some of it true. I'd like to end my address by breaking a taboo and quoting myself from 17 months ago. At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said "Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen." Today, receiving this honor and speaking to the Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more...."

To watch or read the entire speech, click here.

1 comment:

Sophia Khan said...

Hello Deeba,

I am a regular reader of your other blog and thought I would stop by here, and loved this post. So true what you have implied and I also enjoyed the commencement address. For me, ambitiously but also stubbornly following one particular goal has put limitations on life that I would not have perceived had I not had the time to slow down and reassess. "Questioning what is important" along with what I truly enjoy is at the heart of this. Thanks for sharing. Peace

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